Thursday, March 30, 2006

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the other day when i was walking in the park, a chinese sinsei man jumped down from an olive tree. he twisted his mustache and said to me, "hey! if you want pretty nurse. be patient!". he then ran off into the trees never to be seen again. so that is the reason i have not made a decent blog entry for the past weeks or whatever. i've been pondering, meditating and being patient for a pretty nurse to come by. and yet still i have not encountered one.stupid chinese man must be bluffing.

well that certainly was a pretty crap way to start the entry, but anyhow i shall continue with the perseverance of a spider spinning a web. so only a week left until i book into hell!!! i mean national service. in the meantime its time to have as much as fun as possible. which means watching only the best television and playing the best video games at home. hahah. hey why must i always make myself sound so pathetic all the time. i have friends too you know. the whole dvd box set in fact.

but aside from that, friends, lets go out. lets go! lets go and dance in the rain and make sure the girls wear white. lets go jump off high walls and hurt ourselves and go, dude that was fun! lets go and drink beer and dance with women we dont know, nor want to know. lets go plan computer games and embrace the nerds we really are. they want to come out. let them out! speaking of nerds. any nerds out there that play morrowind? come lets chat about vvardenfall and about being the reincarnated nevarine who shall rise up against the false gods and detroy the tribunal and unite the 3 houses and restore peace and serenity to morrowind.

okaay. im so bored right now. but i have a whole list of things i can do. why not go on the internet and search for life quotes that make you sound real cool when you repeat them to your friends. make sure they contain words you yourself do not understand and then some really big ones just to make the quote sound really important. but dont use the forest gump one ("life... box of chocolates... etc) because thats just lame. or maybe you can just insert a quote into your life such as : Speed Levitch: "On really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion". but enough of quotes. if you get bored of quotes, why not move on to social profiling.

yes social profiling. just go to www.friendster.com, sign up and then add your friends ( if you have any, and not the dvd box set for goodness sake). then just go around browsing peoples accounts and socially profile them. its fun, really. then you can make your own list. like who you wanna date and who you wanna hate. who ya wanna kiss and who ya wanna piss (on). then hire a hitman and kill the people that scored no points.

or you could just go to a news website like the bbc and catch up on the latest current affairs and global issues. however they wont really come in handy considering we're all going to die in a massive ball of flame and fire. but still current affairs always come in handy in case you meet someone smart. you know, the people that know lots of stuff. however you could just end up writing an entire blog entry on all the possible things to do with your time and then end up killing all of it, and therefore end up with no time to kill. so then its really your choice whether you want to dream about doing things or do things you only dream about doing.

i think im spending too much time at home. get out into the real world, hear what life is about! "paper or plastic?", "credit or debit?", "would you like fries with that?", "no i dont want a straw!". or maybe go out and watch all the people in their work suits going around like ants with their antennas popping around, bouncing off one another and going from point a to point b carrying a tiny piece of lettuce to add to the colony.

its this kind of entry you wanna end off with a scream.

ah.......

James Barr at 11:31 AM

Monday, March 27, 2006

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There are angels in your your angles.
There's a low moon caught in your tangles.
There's a ticking at the sill
There's a purr of a pidgeon to break the still of day
As long we go drowning,
down we go away
And darling,
We go drowning.
Down we go away.
Away.

There's a tough word, on your crossword.
There's a bed bug nipping a finger.
There's a swallow, there's a calm
Here's a hand to lay on your open palm today.
As long we go drowning,
down we go away.
And darling,
We go drowning.
Down we go away.
Away

- the decemberists

James Barr at 11:36 AM

Monday, March 20, 2006

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oh mother nature, you are so cruel to humanity!

James Barr at 6:27 AM

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

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and as i sat at the bus stop in aberdeen thinking back of the few days visiting my sister. waiting for the bus home to edinburgh which will take a dreadful 4 hours. i was at peace with everything and anything around me. and suddenly outta nowhere, down swooped a white ball with wings. it appeared to be a bird. and so it flew and stood right in front of me. i hesitated, but kept my cool, for i will not appease such a thing. and it stared, so coldly into me eyes. and it stared and stared and i didnt retreat, i stared back harder than ever. and i said to myself... "wait a minute.. your not a bird. your a SEAGULL!!!". im not afraid of seagulls. so i stamped my feet and gave it a mind signal to piss off from here because seagulls belong to the beaches. and it shuddered and spasmed and flew away. creating a flop like effect of scattering about on urban ground. it went to escape and join his other seagull friends where he belongs. stupid seagull...

and then when i was on the bus, and we were on the highway we passed a truck. and it was no ordinary truck. it was a truck transporting sheep. and the things was they were looking directly at the people in the bus. so everyone went, oooh look at the sheep. so cooped up in there and nothing to do. poor things they arent even smiling. but in my head, i was thinking. the sheep probably think the same bloody things. and my brain was proven to not be so wrong, when the people stopped laughing, got back to their claustrophobic little seat and did nothing. and my little brain went again.. "baaaa... baaaa, i am a sheep. i am white and eat.."

dad has discovered the beauty of the tagboard. so he has gone on adventures randomly tagging people on my links. so if you see anything just go piss off. im so sorry. you know how these people (at their age) tend to be when faced with new technology. nah just kidding hes just a bit mad. err okay..

anyway continuing the half complete entry. i am now back in sunny singapore. yay! no more free beer, talking to middle aged smart people, good television and snow! but oh well. only 3 weeks left till enlistment. daaaym. 3 weeks of freedom left before they shave my head and make me look like GI jane (seriously). bollocks.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

James Barr at 10:14 AM

Friday, March 10, 2006

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what happens when you mix trichloroethylene, perfluorooctanoic acid and polyvinyl chloride?

haha i dont have a fucking clue!!!

James Barr at 7:07 PM

hello bob. are you the sensitive male type who flinches at gruesome fist fights in action movies and tears at the end when jack and jill breakup and jills left to raise johnny all by herself? hello tom. are you the friend that will be at janes side through thick and thin and listen to her in her times of need? hello mary. do you pine for a man who works out twice a week and does grocery shopping on tuesdays? hello mom. no i havent got a girlfriend yet, what? what do you mean im a pussy?? hello dear friend. will you be with me in my crying hour, my moment of truth and the hour of darkness? hello jimmy. are you done mowing the lawn, my bill is a grown boy now. hello son. will you grow up to be just like daddy and play proffesional baseball? hello politician. i dont want to talk to you, get away. hello people who want to engage me in a debate about current affairs and pressing issues about xyz. please go away or i shall have to get out the chainsaw. hello god. i didnt know you exist but i beleive now. hello again bob so are you the guy that has sex with chicks because your in touch with your feminine side?

no?

come on get over the fact that your half assed parents named you cybil, dora or dick. stop with being the pseudo bob. the truth is everything is fucked. your a serial killer, im fat and george bush is rather incoherent. we all have flaws. its time to accept it and move on.

im just in a rather depressed mood after surfing friendster for a while. friendster just encapsulates everything that is depressing about being a teenager, doesnt it. you can have a conversation with a girl you just seen on the internet and know what films she likes what her fav hobby is and whether shes single or not, all just by looking at her friendster page. thats not what i want to get at though, ive strayed. its because when you surf friendster and you come across these people with seven thousand friends and 6 billion testimonials. and you just think to yourself. how the fark does that happen? its just so depressing to know that there are people who are so good at being a friend. and yes it depresses me, but it also inspires me. to do what? to be a better friend that is. so... yes... how are you?

and as if that isnt enough you go around and see these sexy and handsome people and think to yourself. jesus i gotta get out more often and see these foxes. i gotta stop watching television and eating milk chocolate digestives. shit. so as of now i think friendster should burn in hell and be sentenced to an eternity of whipping and verbal abuse while being dripped with melted wax and having to look at pictures of goats. and having to watch the news over and over and over and being shot in the goot with a magnum handgun. yes... i shall never support it ever again for the rest of my lifetime on this planet we call earth, for i shall boycott and refuse to ever log in to its hellish home page...

psst if you want to add me on friendster, my e mails on the right. cheers!

James Barr at 6:17 PM

DELETE

James Barr at 2:28 PM

oh my god, a kleptomaniac has stolen my soul!
my hypocondriac tendencies, tell me so.
dont worry ill be hunky-dory.

on a less confusing note i am angry. why you may ask? well apart from people who spit and dogs that always smell your naughty places and cheese that is blue which it isnt supposed to be eaten because its just wrong. your not supposed to eat something once its stale! well im angry at something, now ive just forgotten it because you've put me off. but nevertheless i am angry with the world at hand. angry with the pollution being puffed into the atmosphere. angry with cars that dont indicate where they are going. angry with a society of suit wearing, bald headed, mount blanc pen weilding and overall well spoken people. i am angry with the fact that we only live up to a less than a century. angry with those that live to be over a century. i am angry at my blog entry because i cant find what it is that i am angry about.

but i am happy. yes, heeee. i am happy because i am a human being and therefore i am entitled to change my mood at any time i want. i am entitled to be as randomly mooded as i want to be. so i am happy. and theres nothing you can do about it. god this is getting rather boring... why are people so depressed nowadays?? i mean in the old days (caveman days). i couldnt picture a caveperson commiting suicide because he didnt finish his homework or he didnt have enough friends. its all this pressure put on us as humans. get a degree, get a job, you must have a relationship, you must have friends. what ever happened to just being happy because your alive. to breathe the fresh air and go out on a limb to enjoy running across empty fields all by yourself. why must we all be so depressed because we have no money and our mothers refuse to talk to us anymore. come on citizens of the world. lets live like cavemen. lets go to the beach and splash in the waves. lets boycott escalators by pressiing the stop button repeatedly. lets refuse to use umbrellas when its raining and go around shouting, its not going to kill you its only less acidic than lemon juice!!

but what do i know. im just a boy. i havent gotten my first paycheck yet, just to realise that a huge chunk of it has just been taken by the goverment and the other to my cpf. i havent had children only to learn that they are just reincarnations of the devil himself. i havent married a model only to learn that she has severe mental illnesses in which she bursts into rages and trys to kill me. i havent been fired. i havent grown old and lost my hairline. i havent LIVED!!! although i do have pimples and raging hormones with no resolve. ah fuck it! its better to be depressed. that way you can look forward to being happy. but wait a second...

i thought about this the other day. looking forward to being happy. how the hell is that a statement to cheer someone up. think about it. if your only looking forward to something, then it has not yet come. and therefore your happyness is not here yet, and so you are still in your state of depression. how does this help someone who is depressed when all they learn is that they are not recieving their happyness yet, but its far away in teh distant future. i mean its not here yet, so why is that something to be cheered up about. so next time someone says to you. "dont worry mate, at least its something to look forward too". you should say piss oFF!!!1!!!!!1!!!

ahh here we are. the end of yet another blog entry. the purpose of my writing i do not know, but still i carry on in a rather confused and slightly lonely and sad fashion. i am inspired by vodka for it is my friend. you too are my friend for you have read so much and yet not posted something on my tagboard like, "your a wanker" or "die in flames mofo!". so therefore i like you very much. and thus i will continue writing of these aimless and pointless entries onto my space on the internet which is free. ahh i love the world, and you! oh and beer!!!

ahhah goodnight!!!!

James Barr at 1:52 PM

Thursday, March 09, 2006

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wherever you are, you're never too far away. says:
goodnight fucker
brandon (: says:
nights asswipe

ah its always nice to know how much your friends love you isnt it. the endearments, ahh brings a tear to my eye.

James Barr at 7:31 PM

;;;;;
<^_^>
( / /---,,,'
///
b b

im a little teapot short and........ ah forget it.

James Barr at 7:24 PM

HAHAHAHA!!! this is what happens when you have to play your number one song over and over and over. this is on top of the pops which always have the studio versions playing in the background. nirvana just could be the only group with the best sense of humour ever seen. just look at how dave drums. Hahahahah!!! ahhhh hillarious!! god bless you kurt, rip!

James Barr at 10:26 AM

Sunday, March 05, 2006

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as i dwelled in my utter state of boredom here, one that could be compared to the widely celebrated activity of bidwatching, i rememberd my day visiting the castle as a boy. and we were taken up to mary queen of scots room. and i always will remember seeing these scratch marks that literally scratched chunks of wood out of this banister and left nails marks. and i asked my teacher and she replied they are the marks mary queen of scots left as she was being brought down to be executed. and it shivered me timbers. but oh if the tale she told was true then i decided to find out about this queens death and i came across a much more funny story to be honest. and its not really funny. its just one of those things that you just wanna go "oooohhhh!! daaaaym!!!". heres the story, enjoy.

Mary Queen of Scots had a grisly time of it. She paid the executioner a purse of gold to do a good job. She may have wanted her money back! After taking off her black dress to reveal a red petticoat he blindfolded her and knelt her down with her head on the block. The axe swung down - and missed!
Well, it didn't exactly miss. He nicked the side of her neck and Mary cried out. The second chop went through the back of the neck but not all the way through. He returned to use the axe as a saw and finish the job.
But that still wasn't the end of the gruesome story. The executioner had the task of picking up the severed head and showing it to the assembled throng. Sadly, no one had told the executioner that Mary wore a wig. When he grabbed her by the hair, the head fell out of the wig and bounced across the hall.

now if you agree with me, daaaym that is one way to go to the next life! thank god they invented the lethal injection.

James Barr at 5:51 PM

Saturday, March 04, 2006

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singapore signs suck. apart from alliteration, the sentence is also cool because its true. yes i have managed to capture some impecable signs on my journeys and times. and seriously i have seen some that could just win an award for being so confusing, horrible or tourist loving (the opposite). so yes here they are, the nominees.

this one is called "pick up litter and you'll be fined $1000" other options to titles were "have evil claw hands and possess a ticket and be fined $1000" and "litter and win $1000!!", by Serangoon bus interchange.

this one, one of my favs! "what the fuck is this bomb doing here", by singapore MRT. ( on second thought, maybe they just are angry because the sign is in every language except their own. english, covered. chinese, covered. okay lets get an indian and malay to do the sign so we can save space on printing in their language. that way they wont rebel or protest. yes we are so smart we singapore advertisers)

this one, the "welcome tourists but dont do the following 3 million things on you stay on our island. please enjoy your stay, standing up straight and not breathings because we dont want our air infected with stuff from YOUR country. oh and please dont read this sign because it might cause blindness. how we dont know yet, but just dont do it. and please walk away now because the sign might fall on your foot, and thus cause a mess to our enviroment. and thus we will have to fine you a huge amount of money for having a little fun. right get in line."
which also won an award for longest title as well. yay. so what cant we do in our national parks.
1) dont make the fish look at your hook.
2) dont try and kill butterflies with miniature nets.
3) this is cheese. yup..
4) dont ask the monkeys for blowjobs (they bite, not that i would know)
5) dont molest the poor birds.
6) no fucking idea what this is.
7) do not pretend to threaten the giraffes with hats.
8) dont invite the red heads.
9) no vehicles, because they tend to run people over.
10) do not bring dogs that have been pre-beheaded.
11) dont mend the broken plants. their dead! face it.
12) what the fuck is that?? dont buy radios with cricles around them?

singapore needs better signs, better artists and better signs. too stressed to continue. goodnight.

James Barr at 11:56 AM

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

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in my future examinations i am certainly going to drink a lot before going into the exam hall. not only does it numb you of the cold enviroment, but also i stimulates your creative juices and helps you create a lot of rubbish stuff. well thats one technique to try in the future, just not when your doing multiple choice, because shading the circles can get a little fustrating when you see double. i've never done it though. shit i cant afford it. no dont look at me like i like alcohol. you know what forget it. im outta here. to hell with critics!

i wanna write a book! but i dont know what its going to be about yet. dads writing a book. its about sex and mountains. well not sex on mountains, well sometimes, but not always. i would like to write about stuff but ive got to experience it first. i need to squeeze some bossoms, go fight in a war, get caught in a love triangle, meet the queen of england then kick her in the shin and lick and paste a stamp on her forehead and then run away and become wanted and then commit lots of crimes, be sent to jail and be forced to share my cell with a christian who will henceforth reform me and thus send me on a quest for religious enlightenment which will lead me to the himilayas to live with the monks of tibet. hey wait a minute. anyone who writes a book about a monk seriously has issues. i mean a monk is so boring. they just walk around looking all enlightened and at peace with the world and reach the higher conciousness where everything is alive and so on and so on. then they tend their cabbage patches and water the flowers. i mean who would wanna read that?? besides monks, who must find it extremely fun.

but really a monks life is really very interesting. actually buddhism in itself is really interesting. its nothing far fetched or based on beleif or myth. its about looking and understanding your own lives and daily problems as well. karmaaaa. one day i shall find out more.

enough seriousness for now. enough of anything for now. im hungry and cold. not to mention lacking human relation. congrats to everyone that did well for the exams! and to those that didnt achieve what they wanted to, dont worry its not the end. come back better than ever! it'll be aite. well goodnight all.

James Barr at 10:23 AM

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