Thursday, September 30, 2004

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have you ever wondered.
which one would hurt you more?
saying something and wishing you hadnt,
or saying nothing and wishing you had?

something that can be right infront of your eyes.
something that can change your life.
something out of reach.
something.


:D time to go HERE guys.

James Barr at 9:37 PM

Sunday, September 26, 2004

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hahah 7 hours till GP paper starts.
OMG 7 hours...
wtf am i doing...?
ok GOODNIGHT

James Barr at 9:31 AM

Saturday, September 25, 2004

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dinner at jeremys. probably the first family dinner i have had in lets say 17 years? i have never sat down at the same table as my parents and eaten a proper dinner before. ever. ok i dont think its that amazing. anyway lets just say there wasnt much conversation. and it just so happened that i had to laugh at all the silences. why did i laugh.( i mean the uncrontrollable type that sounds stupid and for no reason at all.)
- jeremys mum's top strap kept falling down the side, and she doesnt give a damm. and i happen to look at it, then at the dad and hes looking back at me. and then i burst out laughing.
- i ate a chicken wing that didnt have bones on the top. then i thought why arent there any bones, and i chewed thinking there was something wrong, then i started laughing again.
- i looked under the table and saw bonnie. jerms dog. a fat slow smelly and lazy lardarse. and laughed again.
- bernard the dad was making some meaningless jokes which made no sense at all.
jeremys mum is one of a kind. dont mind if i share this with ery one but she wears some softporn outfit and is intending to drive a motorbike one day. shes actually taking lessons. she has drawn eyebrows. and not ot mention she is sadistic. - while driving she made a sharp turn and i flew from the middle to the side and hit the door. thump. then she just started laughing to herself sadistically. man jeremy you have one the coolest mums around.

and sarah hana was there.
and sarah hana was afraid of the fat dog.
and sarah hana said i suck at the guitar.
and sarah hana said i suck overall.
and sarah hana made me laugh at dinner.
and i lurve sarah hana.

James Barr at 8:22 AM

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

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love
an unattainable goal for now?

James Barr at 9:14 AM

Tuesday, September 21, 2004

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i should start phrasing all my statements in question form right?

ive made a list of things im going to do tomorrow. and for the people today who have seen me do this. you shall now read this and think! "hahah so thats what that stupid shitass was doing!" or maybe you wont laugh and just think "that shitass" or maybe you wont think at all ""

1) i shall start laughing loudly and then say "HAHAH now i get it!" when its really quiet
2) i shall give myself a new identity. (seynior pantalones)
3) i shall run to the window. and then say.. "oh darn i thought i saw the bat signal"...
4) i shall do a quick tapdance routine.
5) i shall play rock papers scissors with myself. then accuse my left hand of cheating.
6) i shall sleep during literature
7) i shall try to crack 2 jokes in succession.
8) and finally try and do all this without making people think im frickin insane.

and if you happen read this before tomor. goddammyou!!

James Barr at 7:23 AM

arrrr bored...

call me seynior pantalones for i am king of penguins that weild short swords and wear shoulder pads, and go *waka waka*...

rice is very good. white rice tastes really good if when ur boiling the rice you put in some butter and salt. ya then it tastes really good. and yes it is suppossed to clump together. thats how you can eat it w/ chopsticks.

im still not having dreams. even after a 12 hour sleep.. nothing.. what will it take for me to dream of something. am i really that empty?? have i lost so much that i cant even have a fuckin dream!!!

ohh its 2am.. do you know what that means?

nope? well neither do i...

i found a website. ill bring over a few things it said to do when your bored.
-watch tv. and repeat everything they say in an italian accent, or go for a series of grunts.
-pretend all humans will die except for people in room with you ( would the group stay together, or would there be factions? who would join what group? remember, there would only be power for a few days before the plants ran out of fuel or broke. to travel, you would always have to be near cars to siphon gas out of. best to do with people you know.)
-stare at the back of someone's head until they turn around
-push your eyes for interesting light show. hahah this seriously works. look at a light and start poking your eyes. (while shut). its quite interesting.
-repeat the same word over and over and over until it completely looses its meaning and sounds like a meaningless noise...

okay so if youve read until here you must be feeling bored as well...

the timer on my blog posting is wrong. and im too arsed to change it... oh well.. another dreamles night! see you in the morning mysterious reader, for i am seynior pantalones!

"how you gonna get there, running nowhere. burn yourself yourself out die too soon. you see the world is only temporary, everybody is scared there will be noone there...."


yeah baby!!

James Barr at 6:39 AM

hey guess what!!

what??

i dont know, im asking you... :

James Barr at 6:31 AM

Sunday, September 19, 2004

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There Is (boxcar racer)
This vacation's useless
These white pills aren't kind
I've given a lot of thought on this thirteen hour drive
I missed the grinding concrete where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing in the glow of our headlights
I've given a lot of thought to the nights we used to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast
I faintly remember breathing on your bedroom floor
Where I laid and told you, but you sweared you loved me more

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I'll give a lot of thought of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter in every single word
There will be a hidden message about a boy that loves a girl

Do you care if i don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight or will you think of me
Will I shake this off, pretend its all okayT
hat there's someone out there who feels just like me
There is

James Barr at 4:27 AM

relationships with parents are funny things.
i think we have in built conditions that set us to reject our parents.
maybe we resent control.
maybe we resent love.
we reject their constant attemps to reach out to us.
we reject what they have to offer.
then they feel as if there is no point in trying to reach out.
so they stop trying.
and we resent them for stopping.
and then they start being bitter,
and vice versa.
and then we get angry at them for trying and not trying.
for being nice and being angry.
and we end up in a downward spiral.
ladies and gentlemen, there you have the vicious cycle of parenting.

good luck. maybe its just my bloody parent(s). :)

James Barr at 4:20 AM

happy birthday to my dearest sister. the best! (and only).
you prolly ent gonna read this but oh well. i feel obliged to wish you. heh! hope everything is fine with you. i miss fighting with you. you biatch! but i love ya and always will. i hope. lol. anyway study hard and get a job so you can buy me a expensive present. long term planning. see ya soon i guess... :)

sorry to sz cornerz.
you guys should know why.

happy birthday gracy.
sammy mammy. have a great birthday. look forward to a colourful card. hahah...

and to everybody.
thank you.
(oh and i dont shave my legs. it was a joke. hahah!! i can prove it to all of you!!!)

James Barr at 4:04 AM

Friday, September 17, 2004

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hooooo!

OWWWW ;O

James Barr at 9:36 AM

havent been getting enough sleep lately.
been able to catch about 5 hours in the past 3 days.
not dreamt in ages.
dreams make one sane am i right?
they are mentally stimulating to releive stress and worries.
they remove anxieties and fears.
ive not had a dream for..........
fricking long...
could this explain my loss of sanity recently?
its suprising i manage to stay alive.

and no im not meterosexual! goddamit... :)

my eyes are too red to write any more and the fact that i have to wake up in 6 hours aint that amusing anymore... :( hahah.

James Barr at 8:47 AM

Wednesday, September 15, 2004

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thanks for all the wishes guys! means alot!
i dont know why but i keep listening to songs that talk about people being killed. is it just me or is emo very bloody. bloody good. i dont know why but angst songs make you feel good your alive instead of in a pool of crimson goo. theres all these songs of people being shot and tied up. its greusome, but then again you feel revilatlised. it gives a you a boost and shock. to look at life in a different way.
look at life in a different way? yeah sure. were only given a pair of eyes. we only have once viewpoint. but with our minds we have thousands. with everything we go through a new dimension is opened and a new viewpoint is created. stub your toe on the edge of a table. you open a new dimension in which you are now weary of tables. you try to avoid tables because they have caused you pain. how many dimensions have you opened? but if you meet someone. and they say that tables are not the ones at fault. it was you who stubbed your toe. you suddenly realise, its not the table. what is it then?
oh well thanks. :)

birthday.
hooray.
im so gay.
im jay.
in shades of gray
i may
be okay.
you say
walk this way
its free, dont pay.
i said yay.
now here i lay
in the break of day
im split away
in the middle of my fray.
theres no time to pray.

James Barr at 7:33 AM

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

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well they say a picture speaks a thousand words.
simply put.. if i were to use an adjective to describe my feelings i think the word FUCK would resonate in my mind. i dont care about my language on my blog anymore. fuck it! fucked up. :) excuse my french.. but yes fuck...
one word... trust.

thank god for music and friends.

James Barr at 9:05 AM

Sunday, September 12, 2004

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dont waste yout time reading what i could have wrote. go tell someone you love them and make their day. GO... what are you waiting for.

James Barr at 8:50 AM

Saturday, September 11, 2004

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There's a man on the streetLooks like someone I knowHis suit is so neat,His face resoluteHis old boss died recentlyThe position is emptyTime to move on up,After all these yearsBut someone up there don't think soSo here he is againBack at the bottom,Of a long ladder.

But aren't you happy to be living This beautiful life?Aren't you happy to be standingUnder Cerulean skies?Be her lover, be her husbandShe's your lovely wifeWe all are surprised when we Open our eyesYou can't have what matters Till you know that it mattersSo aren't you happy to be living

This beautiful life?Aren't you happy to be standingUnder Cerulean skies?Be his father, she's your daughter Be a new man tonight

There's that man on the streetHe's the same one I knowHis brow is all creased, Like three rainy daysI say, hello my old friendIt's good to see you againYou take care of yourself now,These are hard times aheadHe says, don't worry I'll be readyI've been through this beforeSo you take it easy,And remember your own advice

James Barr at 11:30 AM

lately i find myself staring at the blank space in my entries. maybe i cant find the words to let out. or maybe they dont want to get out. cramming halfway up my throat choking their way back down.its not like theres anything interesting to write about in the first place. im trying to keep the ground to my feet. it seems the worlds falling down around me. try and make the answers more than maybe. pretending im a superman. thats about it.

on a lighter note, exams are round the corner. lets look forward to them. =) dont you just love filling up blank pages with all your words of wisdom. and dont you just love getting them back with blank marks full of crosses. well thats all in the learning process. learning that no matter what you write, its never good enough. we are always conditioned to strive for perfection but are always given correction. anyhow. lets look forward to criticising our teachers for failing us.

on and even lighter note, it seems i have managed to vomit some stuff out for you to read. lets just say that everything will be okay one day. can everyone do me a favour. say "alleluyia". itll be figured out. sorted and arranged. comforting words can be said. yes alleluyia for you guys.

thank god for music.

James Barr at 11:08 AM

Sunday, September 05, 2004

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found this poem on the net.
----------------------------

The rain was falling fast,
The wind was blowing hard,
That night she took the knife,
And made her one last scar,

She woke up that morning,
And just couldn't shake the pain,
She was sick and she was tired,
And she was always so ashamed,

Looking in the mirror,
Only invited hurtful tears,
So she went into the bathroom,
And got the cutting sheers,

She went to school that day,
And tried hard to hide the incisions,
But everyone already knew,
About her “terrible decisions”

Then when she got home,
Her parents just didn't care,
She really needed to talk to them,
But they just couldn't be there,

A recent suicide attempt,
Had stolen their attention,
So the only thing she really felt,
Was complete and total rejection,

She went up to her room,
And tried to talk to her “best friend”,
But she didn't want to listen,
She didn't want to help her mend,

Then she turned on her music,
Hoping it would calm her down,
Something inside must have broken,
Because inside herself, she drowned,

She began to beg and plead,
As she slid down on her door,
She said “God I'm begging you!!,
I don't want to hurt anymore!”

And yet she went unanswered,
For the angels lost her prayer,
And that's when she decided,
She didn't belong anywhere,

So she wrote a goodbye note,
That said what she'd been hiding,
And told them how there was no one,
That would be there for her confiding,

Then she took the knife,
And dug it deep within,
Her fragile wrists were torn,
No remains of untouched skin,

There she laid herself down,
And made her final cry,
Hating herself and regretting,
Ever wanting to die,

But the rain was falling fast,
And the wind was blowing hard,
That night she took the knife,
And made her one last scar.

James Barr at 7:00 AM

Friday, September 03, 2004

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im an impertinent son
a bade spelerr
a non existant religious person
a terrible student
a lousy brother
a fat bus turd
a horrible friend
a cold joker
a fu................

whats my life full of? full of sorries and pardon me's. full of apologies and make ups. when will the day come that i can just live with my dog, frudo and feed it my leftover tea bags. we can live hapilly ever after beside the sea on a empty apartment. use cigarette ends for my roll ups. though i dont smoke, maybe my dog will. steal a couple of tomatos from the store. take a stroll through the park and laugh because i accidentally stepped in poo poo. go home and sew the holes in my jacket. sleep on the couch which has no cover and watch a television that has no colour or reception. back to reality. "SLEEP NOW LA. YOU MUST WAKE UP at 5.30 RIGHT? THINK WHAT IM GOING TO WAKE YOU UP?"... yes mum im sorry...

the only reason to make life worth living is

James Barr at 8:51 AM

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