![]() Friday, November 04, 2005
"The late Mitch Hedberg was a stand-up comic, known for his odd material and memorable routines that often consisted of a string of one-line non sequiturs."
i watched one of the funniets stand ups today. totally my fav one cause the guys an absolute nutcase. let me quote you some of it. ( i got this from the net and did not spend my entire night typing out his comedic act) I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. A dog came to my door, so I gave him a bone, the dog took the bone into the back yard and buried it. I'm going to go plant a tree there, with bones on it, then the dog will come back and say, "Shoot! It worked! I must distribute these bones equally for I have a green paw!" That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons. I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. i bought a donut and they gave me a receipt for the donut. i dont need a reciept for a donut.... i just cannot imagine a scenario where i would have to prove that i bought a donut. i like baked potatoes. but it takes forever to cook them in a conventional oven. so i just stick one in even if i dont want one. then by the time its done... who knows!? My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess - if you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause. Imagine if you were a drummer, and you accidentally picked up two magic wands instead of sticks. There you are, keeping the beat, the next thing you know, your bass player turns into a can of soup. I saw a billboard for the lottery. It said, "Estimated lottery jackpot 55 million dollars." I did not know that was estimated. That would suck if you won and they said, "Oh, we were off by two zeroes. We estimate that you are angry." I got a belt on that's holding up my pants, and the pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. What's going on here? Who is the real hero? I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards. I like when they say a movie is inspired by a true story. That's kind of silly. "Hey, Mitch, did you hear that story about that lady who drove her car into the lake with her kids and they all drowned?" "Yeah, I did, and you know what - that inspires me to write a movie about a gorilla!" I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!" I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right. Imagine if an bow and arrow killed you. That would suck. An arrow killed you? They would never solve the crime. "Look at that dead guy. Let's go that way." 2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created. My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice." The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're relentless. I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead." An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience." I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something. It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have a hand? They'll think you're cocky. Look what I have. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up. I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly. I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant. Because the customer is always right.
James Barr at 10:33 AM
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