_don't bother trying to explain, angel

so im at the docks
and the winds are blowing tremendously
and the air is thick and cold.
the sand is hard and crunchy.
and i see this white seagull paddling about in the water.
and i ask him like... "hey wheres the lighthouse, i heard they are.. like nice"
i dont get a response so i go on.
and i try to climb the moist wall,
getting my suit wet and dirty.
my pocket gets ripped by a barnacle on the side.
but i manage to reach the top.
and on the other side of the wall is this gigantic croud.
so i drop down and carefully traverse the mossy rocks.
everyone is so frantic and scared.
the feeling is infectious and i feel the urge to escape.
but by this time im well into the middle.
i keep shouting "wheres the lighthouse??" "i have to find the lighthouse"
they all dont have faces and they are just moshing about,
banging into each other like rubber dolls, swinging their arms about.
i close my eyes waiting for everything to go quiet...
and it happens.
the voices fade away and the panic dissapears slowly.
and i open my eyes and the wind is blowing just as strong.
and the cold seeps into my clothes.
in the midst of the fog, i could make out a small light.
just visible through all the obstruction.
its my lighthouse i say soflty.
but i realise that theres nobody to share my joy.
nobody to tell my experience to.
if only you were there.
if only you saw what i saw.
heard what i heard.
then we would be one.
connected by a memory.
intertwined in confusion.
cause thats how relationships are formed.
and developed as well; by experiences.
this side of the wall suddenly didnt deliver what i came to get.
its more empty.
at least on the other side i could get back to you.
cause i knew you were on the same side.
but i tell myself to stop dwelling in such thoughts.
they only drag you down.
be content with yourself and thats it.
you bring happiness to yourself. noone else.
as robert frost said once,
"friends make the pretense of following you to your grave.
but before you are in it, their backs are turned".
im not saying that just because ive crossed this wall that i dont need you.
its just that i cant need you.
i need my lighthouse, cause that is my direction.
ive chosen my direction and intend to fulfill it.
i miss holding my briefcase.
it had all my things in it.
just having it was a comfort, even if it was empty.
something to hold on the way home.
i suppose its an adult blanket.
why is it now i find myself doing the most random things.
abandoning my whole life in search for something meaningless.
cause whats the point.
when i find this lighthouse.
is it going to be the light at the end of my tunnel.
or maybe the headlights of an oncoming train.
you'll never know until you see it, or get to it.
it was roundabout now that i began to realise.
my ears were hurting from the cold.
as if it was piercing bits of ice.
but my legs continued taking me.
cause you dont feel tired when you keep going.
its only when you stop.
and by now it was within distance of a pebble-toss.
so huge and gigantic.
like a huge torch giving hope to many a lost ships.
i found a small rock beside it.
it was dry, so i took a seat.
the moon was glowing.
but it was nowhere close to my beacon.
well i could call it my beacon couldnt i.
i mean the beach was so far away.
and nobody takes walks at this time.
maybe except for someone like me.
had a little too much to drink.
i've never done drugs though.
must be all the advertising.
"marajuana kills!"
well i wish i had tried it. like the badass from the movie.
wonder what it would be like.
but i rather not. im too aprehensive.
god why do you do this to me?
why do beleive in you, while you do nothing.
faith? faith in what?
im following a pathless road that goes nowhere.
and at every divergence, im clueless.
somehow you answer me.
in all this silence.
like suddenly your my lighthouse. even though i dont beleive in them.
i dont beleive in you but your there.
all these voices flood my head.
sinking any rational thought in an instance.
i get up from my rock and fumble about.
the wet mossed rocks dont really help.
its so slippery but i have to get away.
away from these voices saying all these nasty things.
the water is so dark.
theres no light
how deep is it?
i slip and take a fall.
plunging into the water.
i dont know how to swim.
my parents never taught me.

its 1.22 in the morning and i just spent an hour doing this whole entry. hope someone finds it useful. i sure did. tomorrows the last day of school.. oh bollocks.. the only thing i actually enjoy in my life.